Driving to Sidney yesterday, I was so sick. Having no sleep and thinking about what really happened in grandpas case, drove me to insomnia. Feelings of sadness and confusion are things I had never felt before. Being with the rest of my family made things harder, but overall much better.
Knowing my mother wanted so badly to see grandpas face made me want to as well. I was shocked to see the casket closed at the viewing. You should have seen all the people that came to support us and send their condolences. I believe we had over two-hundred people who knew grandpa from their love of horses; or people he had built homes for many years ago. There were so many people that grandpa touched throughout his life, it made me so proud to be his granddaughter.
Meeting new people that I had heard stories about and finally getting to put a name with a face. People also many stories they shared with us, that we had never heard. Seeing relatives I had not seen in years, brought me back to those fun days. It made me really realize that family will and does always come first.
So, we came back home last night after dinner with our family. Again no sleep for me. I was either again trying to figure out this case or mentally talking with my grandparents. Then Elle awoke at 4am and slept with Patrick and I. It felt so good:)
We arrived at the church where my grandparents, my mom and her siblings went and it was a familiar scene. Watching the pallbearers carry grandpa up to the hall, then standing waiting to have my time with him. I could not handle myself, I kept telling myself "its okay," but in reality it wasn't. My mom and Grandma Nancy had come up and told me to always remember the good times. I constantly do and have for years. Its like I have a recorded VHS tape in my head.
I had not seen my grandpa for years and it tears me apart. It pained me when I would be on the plane headed back to Phoenix. Another trip and no visit with grandpa. I can't blame myself, but its hard. He never met Patrick or Elle in real life, only through pictures I would send.
The funeral was so beautiful, I had never been to one quite like it. I just can't even put it into words. At the cemetary we said our last goodbyes to grandpa. This was also a hard time for me, because I had never been to my grandmas grave. Her and grandpa now rest side by side! I pulled off a white rose from the bouquet on grandpas casket and laid it down on grandma side. Then pulled another one and brought that home with me.
I feel so much better after seeing where they are. The land they have is pretty, overlooking their town, family and all the things they love together. You could not ask for anything better for two people you love dearly.
Grandpa's caregiver told me that grandpa had Elles pictures on top of the TV and Patrick and I's on his dresser. She also told us(grandkids) how super proud he was of us. He never ever missed a birthday or Christmas, we would always get a card with a surprise. I know he loved us so very much.
What made my day brighter was going with Grandma Nancy to the vets stables to see the newest baby in the family. One of my uncle Bills and Grandma Nancy's mares had a baby Thursday night. They named him Big Brown or we call him "Pablo" for grandpa. He was so worried about this baby for quite sometime. Grandma said he would call her all worried and have to run over to the barn to check on it(well the mother). The mother was not showing good signs of a healthy pregnancy and it scared him. Everything turned out great, he is so sweet.
We walked around the barn, I touched every horse there and feed a few. There was another horse I was fond of, she is a Thorobred and just massive. I fed her a couple treats, after the first treat she smiled at me(picture Mr. Ed:)). Loved it, gave her my last treat and she smiled again. I wanted to bring her home with me. HAHA! Patrick said "not now." We need more pets, right?!
Well, my heart will ache for a while. It needs time to heal and it will!